What Have I Done With My Life?

I do wonder some days what goes through our 'Bob's head.  I mean he does come up with some weird and wonderful ideas but this one came from left field.  As most of you gather our conversations usually take place in the car to and from school so don't be surprised this one happened after I had picked him up.

'Bob' "I've been thinking..."

Mum "That's dangerous!"

'Bob' "What have I done with my life?"

I'm trying not to avert my eyes off the road but one eyebrow lifting stare to the left is required at this point...

Mum "what are you talking about, you are only 14"

'Bob' "well, I mean I haven't done anything I can remember"

Mum "you've done loads of stuff, you've sat in the cockpit of the concord, been on a train simulator at the engine works, been on lots of holidays, building a plane in the garden” Yes that last one is real!

'Bob' "yeah but what have I done with my life, I need to start thinking about my life...”

How do you respond to that...? I mean I ask myself that question all the time self evaluation doesn't come easy.  I'm hopeless at it.  I'm curious to see how he does manage it.  For 'Bob' the inability to make simple decision is problematic in everyday life so to make such huge whoppers for a life plan is going to be interesting.  His mindset and latest obsessions tend to dictate what he and we do next because unwittingly our lives follow his. Our routine for everyday tasks is firmly set, clothes in set order, when and how we eat breakfast, the morning constitutional, even down to the contents of our lunch box doesn't change day in day out.  How is this young man going to build these into his life plan? Quite simply that is his life! Just because he does things quite rigidly and methodically doesn’t mean it's wrong. Frankly, if life was that orderly most people would find that they have more time on their hands.  Without him realising he gets time management down to a fine art.  It's me that pushes those boundaries.  I'm the one flying around by the seat of my pants! Don't get me wrong I'm not scatty all the time.  I love lists! And boxes and a home for everything.  Maybe he's got something we could bottle!  I still have to make the decision about which clothes get laid out, the contents of the cereal bowl, reminders about cleaning teeth and washing his face though.  If you asked him coco pops or weetabix he would point in my direction “she’ll tell you” would be his response.

Ah and then we have the inability to accept change even if it’s in an orderly fashion.  It causes unhappiness and anxiety which can reach astronomical proportions verging on exaggeration. Then we get the shut down so nothing gets done.  Too many obstacles get placed in the way, and you might as well say goodbye and 'san fairy ann' to sound reasoning and logic! And then we stall!

OK he's 14 some may say too young to be thinking so far ahead, should be enjoying childhood! We don’t have that luxury of time at all because everything takes an age to plan and because of those dreaded obstacles it could take us until he's 40 to get where he wants to be.  'Bob' has so much going on in that little head of his, so many ideas, dreams, lives he wants to live I don't want him to lose that spirit in the process.  We are here to guide him and help him to achieve them; some are so outlandish; at the moment he is planning on buying his own island and creating his own country!  Now you and I know that it's not that straight forward, but in his head it is.  Mr AUTYnary and I will go along, helping him find out information, even create his own family crest.  Knowing all too well that at some point we may have to bring some of those ideas down to earth with a bump!  I want him to embrace that entrepreneurial gumption, I want him to have those opportunities that could see him reach those dizzy heights of success, and I want him to have those chances!  Even if it means I have to don on a life jacket and climb into a dodgy looking motor board dingy, travel the treacherous Irish Sea and climb into a tent on some windy remote uninhabited island off the Irish coast just to find out that setting up your own country might not be a good idea after all!

Hey Ho No. 2 We Are NOT Going To School...

Boy what a difference a day makes!  My last post was all about the first day back and I seriously thought that we would at least get to the end of the week until our first blip! OMGosh! Smack me in the face with a wet fish, twizzle me round and kick my derriere!  It transpires we couldn't get past the second day without an monumental, rip-roaring, completely lose the plot outburst.  Our 'Bob' saved this one just for me when I picked him up from school yesterday.  

It's moments like these that the complexities of having high functioning autism and ADHD are brought home, and I am reminded of the internal war he suffers.  Initially we were told our 'Bob' had Semantic Pragmatic Disorder and I scoured the internet to find out as much information.  I was like a dog with a bone! I had to do something, didn't know what, but something.  My emotions were trying to creep out of the suitcase, and the more I researched the more power I had to push them back in there.  In my mind I was charging right up to the gate, hammering on it, slapping my chest then gesturing with my hands " C'mon bring it on!" just like the gangster films.  If I'd known then what I know now I would have saved that one for later.  I used to sit in the dark with only the light of the computer screen illuminating my tear sodden face, because the more I read the more I realised that this wasn't just a blip in our speech and language development whatever it was it was going to be life-changing.  You all probably wondering where Mr AUTYnary is? I'm sure this will resonate with some of you out there, the bucket of sand was more inviting!  I knew my journey for knowledge or anything else relating to our children to be honest was going to be a solitary one.  What I didn't realise was how close my son and husband's little quirkisms were and how by learning more about our 'Bob' did I learn to understand my husband.

Within 2 years we had gone through Semantic Pragmatic Disorder, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, and then to Asperger's, and our specific learning difficulty - Dyslexia thrown in for good measure! By the time our 'Bob' was 9 yrs old we managed to add ADHD and the diagnosing Consultant decided because 'Bob' had developmental delay in speech it was not Asperger's but High Functioning Autism.  Confusing to say the least but my dog and bone attitude meant that the acquistion of information at the time was top priority.  I had to get my head round it all so I could help 'Bob'. 

Not that I was much help yesterday.  The incident was simple - last lesson of the day, one child winding up our 'Bob, questioning about friendship with girl (who I might add has been one of two friends he has had since the beginning of secondary school that 'get him'), 'Bob' does not want to answer (because you just don't!), pick, pick, pick throw a piece of lego at him and BOOM! Mum arrives and we start.......we go on about how it's always him they pick on, nobody listens, it's not fair, nobody punishes other people's bad behaviour, he always gets the blame, and then for the real cruncher, "It's all you and Dads fault I have this autism and ADHD", "your the one's who have given me this cell", "ADHD won't let my brain calm down" and "Autism and ADHD stop me from fighting my own battles".....and we went on, and on, and on...  

I try the calm approach, trying to reassure, trying to remind him about discussion we had about other people and how they treat us, and that some children find that once they get a reaction from you feel that they can do it time and time again but more importantly how do we control the situation when this happens....I pulled out everything from my mummy armoury....Could I comfort my boy not a cat in hells chance.  I was driving while this was happening, heading for the motorway for a little diversion, I hoped it would work because I was running out of ideas!  Our 'Bob' was firmly told that the conversation would have to stop because I was driving and I couldn't concentrate on his issues and drive at the same time I would have an accident.  Ahhh silence!! The rule card played off.  

I took him to a shop, many will say not a bright move because we don't do supermarkets, but it worked.  We bought our items, we grabbed a coke and some fries, went to get in the car and this young man walking out with me says

  

"Mum, I think I've calmed down now"

"It's my ADHD that makes me do that"

 "I think my outburst was because it was the end of the day and my tablet had worn off" "

I found myself having a moment... my goodness I never thought the day would arrive when my boy would be able to make a complex analysis of his own behaviour and attribute it to his condiiton.  My word our 'Bob' has started his journey into transition..