Who's survived the half term?

I wonder if I am the only Mum who is more perturbed by the disruption to routine that the half term brings than the child, especially when the child needs so much structure and support. It's taken this last week to catch up with all my jobs, and the 'to do' list was getting to such epic proportions that even procrastination got up and left the room!

Would you believe we've never really had any firm strategies when it came to school holidays,  they are always an anomaly.  It is a time that gets lost in refusals, meltdowns, negotiation and ultimately bribery, and over the years this has become more difficult as 'Bob' has got older.  Have we, Mr Autynary and I have been lazy, could have been!  In our defense, we spend most of the year desperately trying to achieve engagement, it's almost like the whole house takes a huge sigh and collapses out of sheer exhaustion when we get round to half term and holidays.  I have spent many sleepless nights feeling guilty that we haven't given more opportunity to 'Bob' in the extra curriculum stakes and any cracks in my parenting skills would identify that my ability to become a 'Super Mum' had 'Super'd' off!

Like many Mum's, I would read lots of women's magazines with an ideological notion of 'yummy mummies', pristine homes with a distinctive chateau farmhouse look about it, vibrant colours with a scandi twist to the playroom and rather delightful cupcakes whipped up in a trice!  In reality, I would gaze around at my Lego covered living room floor, the mound of washing on the kitchen floor, the breakfast pots stacked above the dishwasher and not in it! A house that has half finished renovations, and furniture that has seen better days.

In my order to regain some control, anything that could be put into one of those pretty printed boxes was! Mr Autynary seems to think I  have OCD because the box mountain is getting bigger and if I carry on he thinks that it will be on par with Hadrian's Wall.  'Bob', by the way, is completely oblivious to all this!

When 'Lil' was little I was working, but we always made the most of the holiday/weekend time.  We would do brunch, go girly shopping, Oooo and Ahhh over shiny, sparkly trinkets and have lots of film time.  You would have thought that with the arrival of 'Bob' we could balance out our social activity which would include Mr Autynary too (bless him he did feel left out).  In hindsight, a screaming toddler arching his back and pushing himself out of the stroller was a really good clue that things were not going to be that easy but bless us we did persevere.

That sums us up 'perseverance'! Well, I'm totally exhausted and a little bit miffed!  I try not to let these kinds of emotions railroad me, but sometimes they just come steaming on in there. With every half term holiday I know exactly what is going to happen; Our 'Bob' will set up the PC for the long haul, freshly laundered lounge wear becomes the norm and with waitress service what more could a young man ask for.  I'm tired now of the on-going battle to just get him out the front door, I'm finding the anxiety is shifting on to me whilst he is as happy as a sandboy.  And at the end of the day I'm not sure who I am more cross with, autism or me!  Have I survived the half term?  I think on this occasion anxiety wins hands down!

Not forgetting ADHD......

When I think of Autism and ADHD I have this vision of two ginormous A's having fisticuffs and imagine that this is what it's like for our 'Bob' internally.  The two have some similar traits which often can lead to some confusion in diagnosis, but in 'Bob's case these two stood together like regimented soldiers!  Shoulder to shoulder!

 Until 'Bob' was actually diagnosed by the child psychiatrist with ADHD, I seriously thought our life was a journey that we were just going to have to walk down without any help.  I'll never forget the day after 'Bob's ASD diagnosis, we were given a website address, a 'thanks for coming along' and a virtual shove out the door, we didn't even get a leaflet!  We just managed, what else were we to do.  Just managing his day, responding to his behaviour, fighting for support, sitting in the bathroom for hours due to his bowel problems, and always wearing trainers because I was never too sure when he was going to scarper, well quite frankly I was so incredibly tired! 

There wasn't much fight left, and seriously I wondered how long I could carry on.  When my gorgeous little nine year old boy refused to go to school and then announced to Mr Autynary and I he wanted to be dead, I got my second wind.  Mortified that my child was talking about suicide, and death, and not wanting to be in this world was upsetting, but even more cutting was the thought that no amount of love we gave him would  soothe the pain  he quite clearly was experiencing.  An internal pain that he had no idea what it was, where it came from, how to get rid of it, or how to describe it!

Petrified that 'Bob's unpredictability and no understanding of consequence would lead him to take his own life, I insisted an immediate appointment with the GP.  I know we were lucky and not everyone experiences such a speedy response, but we managed to get a CAMHS appointment within the week.  The trigger for 'Bob's anxiety was quickly identified, constant change of teaching staff and a rather dreadful support teacher, and once addressed with school we were able to make necessary changes.  Thank god for the summer holidays!

The road was long, and there were lots of assessments, but when the psychiatrist explained that 'Bob' did in fact have ADHD as well as high functioning autism I was confused.  'Bob' wasn't jumping out of windows, or clambering out of moving vehicles, running around in circles constantly, or kicking the place in!  How shallow my stereotypical opinion was about ADHD.  

Everyone was surprised!  It turns out I wasn't the only one with that fixed opinion either.  Slowly, over time and with a lot of negotiation and tests, 'Bob' was put on ADHD medication.  It wasn't our first choice and we resisted for well over a year before agreeing, but 'Bob' was struggling at school.   He couldn't focus, was distracted so easily, quite argumentative and became this tight little coil ready to explode!  

I wouldn't go as far as to say it worked miracles because that definitely would be an understatement, but it did what it said on the tin, and more importantly 'Bob' was able to access the national curriculum.  He didn't spend days heightened on anxiety or so stressful that literally his and our lives seemed to just stop!  We've got used to living with our mate ADHD, we can put him asleep with a little white tablet for most of the day and respect him when he's not.  

At the moment ADHD and Autism are marching to the same tune, and 'Bob' understands the importance of  his medication (he even reminds me).  'Bob' can identify now when his medication is wearing off and if a situation is not working for him, well, we get to know about it before an emotional tsunami takes place.  We don't know what is going to happen; I hear varying stories about ADHD and possible cures. What I do know is ADHD doesn't have us 'Bob' has ADHD in more ways than one!

And the journey begins.....

There is this incredible difference between thinking about something and it actually happening.  I’ve been preparing myself mentally for our ‘Bob’s transition from what seems an age.  Still struggling to come to terms that my little man is now standing taller than I, and his shoe size is bigger than Mr Autynary’s!  A couple of things have happened in the last couple of months, which give us just a snifter of what is to come.

As many parents in the UK will be familiar with when our little angels or terror teens, whichever is your preference, enter Year 10 there is a rush to prepare them for the ‘outside’ world.  An experience, hopefully in a field of work they are interested in pursuing when the leave education.  I’m sure there are many of you out there know that when you rush something quite often there can be oversights. So when  Mr Autynary and I trundled off last November to the Year 10 work experience parents evening full of hope and exciting thoughts for our boy, what we didn’t realise was the difficulty he would experience in connecting with those typical jobs offered for work experience placements.  After the event we both knew that the information given did not fill us with the reassurances we needed to feel comfortable that ‘Bob’ would find this process accessible.  Shuffling down the queue, and it was quite clear we weren’t the only ones feeling that  way.  Conscious that the person we needed to speak to would identify us as parents of a child with ‘special needs’!  So uncomfortable was that turn to the right!

Our ‘Bob’ was dead set on trying to find his placement within Manchester Airport, he had it fixed in his mind and that this is where he wanted to go and there really was no backup plan.  There was plenty of confusion about the whole process, which just compounded all his anxieties.  There was an expectation that the students should take the lead and have that experience of sourcing placement, researching contact information, putting together their CV and talking to potential placement employers.  For ‘Bob’ that was just not going to happen, and he had convinced himself that it was up to me and Mr Autynary!  If you ask him about himself or ask him to make a decision, his response will be

 “Speak to her”, meaning me!

‘Bob’ does not favour conversation face to face, so how on earth am I going to get him to talk to someone on the phone!  Well, it didn’t happen, I can tell you, flat refusal!  The moment I raised the issue, he got into an almighty meltdown and shut down.  It would take days before we could even slip it into conversation, and with the constant fear that we would upset him we only manage this when he was in really good spirits.

I knew it was up to me to start this ball rolling, I’d already informed school, we were having difficulties, but we still felt that although they were talking to ‘Bob’ about it in school, there was an expectation that he had to complete this himself.   It’s the ‘doing’ bit that was the problem and it was practical help we needed.

 

Taking the bull by the proverbial horns, I spoke to the work experience placement officer at the Airport.  She was a nice enough woman, somewhat patronising and after asking me where we lived and what school ‘Bob’ went to informed me that we didn’t meet the Airport’s criteria because we were out of their catchment area.  Interestingly enough, she then followed this through with informing me about the criteria of other employers, and typically they would insist on speaking to the young person concerned.  By this point my defensive hackles were up, and I had to explain that ‘Bob’ was on the autistic spectrum, to which she said

“Well, you have to say that one in the first place!” “You still don’t meet our criteria, though!” and “Well employers will still need to speak to the young person!”

Ya’don’t say Sherlock!! 

By this point I am livid and with desperation started flying off messages to people I knew who might be sympathetic and help!  Then I’m outraged, if I’m struggling how many other parents of young people with Asperger’s or high functioning autism are having the same difficulties.  When you actually start to strip back the logistics, support for the young person and risk assessment of the individual needs, the process takes on a different dimension.  One which I think has been overlooked!

How many parents out there in desperation for their children to experience the same journey like their peers, are relying on taking them to their own place of work, or family or friends!  Even more upsetting how many children are left behind at school?

‘Bob’ is now resided to the fact that there is no hope!  I have had some contact from great supporters, but yet nothing has been forthcoming, and conscious he won’t be left behind I’m resided to the fact that he will have to come with me and experience one week working as a volunteer!  Not exactly the industry our ‘Bob’ wants to work in when he leaves school, but if it means he will experience the process of going to work and a working environment then we can tick this off.   Worryingly though how many young people with autism do just that, volunteer, because there are not the employment options out there!  Food for thought.

The Dentist!

I don't know about you, but I am absolutely petrified of the dentists! I'm from a generation that was frog marched to see the school dentist at the local clinic, thrust into a cold dental chair, filings and extractions without numbing, and the unnecessary view of hairy nostrils!  So I promised myself I would not put my children through that ordeal.

From our 'Bob' being little I used to take him with me to my dental appointments, I wanted to acclimatize him to the experience not scare the ebby jebbies out of him, so took the softly softly approach and braved it out myself.  It had worked with his sister so in my naivety thought it 'worked for one it will work for the other one'.  How far from the truth could it have got.  Unaware at this stage about autism and ADHD, just thought he was being a 'little monkey' when he refused to open his mouth for the dentist or the time when he bite his finger.  Well, I must say he's a dentist and should have known better than flaunt a digit near a four year old child's mouth!  We just about managed to get him there once a year, and that was agonizing; The screams, the blatant refusal, the chasing round the surgery and trying to coax him out from under the dentist's desk!  It got to a point when he used to check his teeth whilst he was upside down on my lap on a swivel chair!  And when the old dentist decided to retire, OMG!

There were moments in time that the least of my worries was a trip to the dentist and I will hold my hands up we didn't necessarily meet our checkup dates!  After our 'Bob's diagnosis, our lives levelled out and an acceptance that it was never going to be quite how you had dreamed of and you would just have to get on with it.  The 'normality' of life had to find its place in the new version of ours, so visits to the dentist had to be dealt with head on along with everything else.

Dreading having THAT conversation where you actually have to say out loud, "He has high functioning autism.." and wait for the "Oh right.." followed by an awkward silence.  Assuming you were going to have to take the lead on this and partake with all that autistic information you had soaked up like a sponge; Sharing suggested strategies, website addresses and offering leaflets that you had to do so many other times before with professionals was at the forefront of your mind!

How refreshing to hear " OK, how can we make 'Bob's visits easier?" "Tell me about his sensory issues?" "I'll talk to 'Bob' about everything we will be doing and show him the equipment and we take it all at his pace!"  Had I found an angel? Was this a fluke? Am I hearing right?  

True to his word our dentist took time out to get to know our 'Bob', built up trust and went at his pace.  There were the odd times when we had some glitches but the difference was we were working together.  Our 'Bob's dentist shows him on his high tech screen his x-rayed teeth, explains the dark patches and the light patches, why he has to have the treatment and if he didn't what the outcome would be.  When he struggled with his first extraction and the huge needle used for numbing, the fact it took two appointments to actually complete the procedure did not faze the dentist at all.  

After many years struggling to understand why my children had teeth difficulties, our new dentist was the one who identified that 'Bob' and his sister had a genetic abnormality of the tooth enamel, and it had nothing to do with their dental care.  Slight relief after 'Bob' spent years chewing his toothbrush and eating toothpaste, that his brushing skills weren't too bad!  And it's amazing how effective a free mini toothpaste tube can be on our morning teeth cleaning routine.  Though I sometimes wonder if  it's the buzz he gets as he whips it from the box on the window sill as we make our hasty exit from the surgery!

Our recent extraction last Friday was another successful trip.  Our 'Bob' talks the hind legs off a donkey, but the dentist seems to have the patience of a saint; he's also quite firm with 'Bob' too, and you have to be sometimes or 'Bob' will just go off on a tangent and completely railroad you.  It's remarkable how 'Bob' can change the subject back to the flight path of the new Dreamliner, and how on earth you can make the comparison between it's wind speed and how quickly you can remove a tooth beggars belief!

You can so understand how parents on finding remarkable professionals just want to spirit them away, and don't want them to move on.  Investments have been made in those relationships, and it makes a huge difference in the daily battles; one less can lighten the load so much for families.  Our dentist might not be everyone's cup of tea, and there is nothing 'magical' about his manner, but if you could bottle his attitude and approach carry it around with you, sprinkle the fairy dust on all the professionals you meet, what a slightly less stressful life we would all lead!

And The Walls Come Tumbling Down Again.....

Life really does give out its curve balls too generous; I do wish it would hold some back for a rainy day!!!  I realised some time ago that having a child on the spectrum I should be prepared for surprises at a drop of a hat.  Saying that I still have moments of complacency and recently I thought we had it all sewn up.  Well certainly for the immediate future! Our 'Bob's curve ball came round that corner so fast it took the stuffing out of all of us.  

'Bob' has suffered with, one can only describe as, 'déjà-vu' type headaches for nearly two years and fast pulse probably longer than that.  The suspicion lay very much at the door of his ADHD medication, and the Professionals seemed to confirm this or certainly wanted it to be so.  We dragged 'Bob' to all sorts of appointments.  The poor lad has been prodded and poked, his head has been entwined with wire and sticky pads, and we’ve even seen our own heart pumping thanks to ultrasound!  It was a technological exercise recording his heart rate and passing the beeps and blips down the phone line, which of course I can now add to my skill base!  So to have this all confirmed at the beginning of the year as medication induced migraines and sinus tachycardia was a relief! Even though the names would conjure up something horrendous they were in all tense and purpose manageable.  Now then that's what we thought......

The assessments were long gone in the past and 'Bob' was gearing up to finish school for the summer holidays in July, and looking forward to a well earned rest.  The end of term is always slightly stressful because the normal routine is off kilter, and the rules become quite lapsidasicle.  This particular day didn't start too well, and my little 'big' man was complaining he felt unwell.  I sigh quite heavily at this point to myself, and the wonder that somehow I could have prevented what happened does flash through my mind. 'Bob' does have a diva side, and I have to deal with the here and now, busy morning and I really didn't want to have to pamper that shenanigans.  I drop him off at school; go back home and start to plough through the mammoth pile of washing.  I had such an uneasy feeling that day, I felt odd, couldn't put my finger on it just something was niggling.  By lunchtime I've pushed that one to one side and I'm contemplating a little bit of retail therapy! No such luck! Mobile phone goes off.  Not many people phone my mobile only school.  So I knew it would be them, and the possibility it was the call to come and collect a poorly 'Bob'.  Guessed well... it was just that.

He looked dreadful, sullen and pale.  I'd never seen him this bad.  I just about get out of him that he's had 5 of these 'déjà-vu' migraines. BOOM! One after another!  If I could just get him home and put him to bed, darken the room and give him a couple of paracetamol he would be fine.  Great I remember we don't have any!  'Lil' is at home that's the answer, I'll leave 'Bob' with her and quickly go and get some.  If only I had listened to the gnawing in the pit of my stomach, and the pop-in thought he may just have a fit!!

Twenty minutes later I get a call that no mum really wants to hear whilst sat in the middle of the ASDA car park.  Our 'Lil' is hysterical, sobbing I can barely hear what she is saying but the words "Bob" and "Fit" jumped through the hand piece and gripped my throat.

"Call Ambulance" I shout, "I'm on my way!"

Don't ask me what I was thinking; I drove three miles like a woman possessed.  I didn't particularly care if I got caught speeding, but I was bothered I didn't kill anybody!  There was a sense of surrealism, and almost like the car was hovering above the surface of the road.  I don't recall any other sound than the car's engine.

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 I'm not too sure whether I put the hand-brake on, but I abandoned the car somewhere on the road and ran!  I don't know how I stayed calm, just don't!  My daughter is in hysterics running between the lounge and kitchen, and there is my boy on the living room floor!  I can't thank 'Lil's boyfriend enough.  He had the foresight, and calm disposition to take charge of the situation.  He kept my boy safe and put him in the recovery position when he had finished fitting.  Just in time for mum, 'Bob' throws up and starts thrashing about. The ambulance men were wonderful, 'Bob' was really uncooperative, thrashing around and he just kept on throwing up.  I really did feel like I was the one having an out of body experience looking down at him on the gurney.

We spent over 8 hours at the hospital and with a promise to come back in the morning to be discharged properly by the consultant, we headed home.  The start of another long journey for us!  Poor 'Bob' he was absolutely shattered, and so was I!!

Months have past and we haven't had any more 'déjà-vu' migraines or a seizure but the follow up appointment confirmed that my little man's experience was an epileptic seizure and further investigation needs to be done.  So more sticky pads entangled in his unruly mop! And of course this has an impact on everything else.  Nothing is straightforward!  'Bob's ADHD medication cannot be increased, wears off too quickly now and is having an impact on his afternoon lessons. Sensory issues are increasing and this increases his anxiety well that one is another story! The one blessing is that we have managed to persuade 'Bob' to get back into his high bed; After the seizure his anxiety went through the roof he thought another one would happen when he was in bed so he took his mattress off and put it on the floor.  That's where he had slept since July.

If somebody had mentioned co-morbidity before I'm not sure I would have paid much attention, but I sure am sitting upright and paying attention now.  Never mind the wet fish, get me a cold flannel, feathered fan and a cabaña boy!  We are going to have to make changes in school (another meeting!), changes at home (this one SHOULD be easy!) and in fact changes in just about everything we do.  I don't see another fight on the immediate horizon, I see some blending needs to be done with what we've got it and I feel it will be like putting on a new pair of glasses, seeing clearer the job in hand!  We will have a new set of professionals to become acquainted with, and one service we have never ventured in Occupational Therapy.  'Bob' and I will be putting together a sensory bag not box for the car; with one of his blankets, some food and drink, and a little something which might help calm him down.  We've just got to get over the anxiety of actually having one in the car;

"For goodness sake I'm 15 Mum!"

 Need I say anymore...Teenagers!

Anxiety Overload!

I was so cross, well in fact I'm still cross, at the beginning of the week!  The idiot that broke into one of the cars on Monday night does not realise the anguish and anxiety overload we are experiencing right now, and for what... £3!

Our 'Bob' along with so many others with autism suffers badly from extreme security anxiety.  This usually manifests it's self in THE most extreme response.  Within seconds of him hearing about the break-in I had to listen to the chunnering, I had to give a detailed report of the crime scene and had to put up with "I told you so" and "You should have followed my car parking plan for the drive, Mum!"  Yes, 'Bob' did produce a car park plan for our drive.  It makes it sound like we have an ENOURMOUS drive, we don't it's just a good shape for packing in the cars.  Of course 'Bob' then spent the next hour setting about completing a security plan, and reminders for the family which he promptly put up on the wall by the front door.  If nothing else 'Bob's thorough.  It's not just that though, it's the mental impact this has on him.  I thought we had dealt with checking doors all the time and the perimeter of the building before bedtime.  This episode has reared its ugly head again this week.  I have been reassuring him all week and it's completely exhausting.  The slightest thing can set him off and I have to pick up the pieces!

We already struggle getting 'Bob' out of the house and the uncertainty that comes with other peoples actions will push him back there.  I try and explain it to people but it is an emotion that is incredible difficult to describe from an autistic child’s perspective.  'Bob' can't break it down for someone to understand and I can only surmise.  I have to go on his actions and listen to what and how he is saying things.  You can tell he battles internally with the core sense of insecurity and trying to deal with it himself creates chronic anxiety too! No win situation whichever way we look at it!

All we can do is breakdown the information that is causing the grief and strip it back to its bare bones so to speak.  I try and do this in a calm environment usually surrounded by his precious things in hope the familiarity will give some comfort.  When 'Bob' goes to the extreme I have to remind him of the reality of life.  For instance with the car, it was parked on the opposite side of the street, close to a hedge, no street lighting and was quite close to the path.  It was an opportunist, so likely to be some oik roaming the streets just looking for mischief, the fact that the car was still there and the contents of the car placed on the front seat would suggest this too.  It is key breaking down the information in digestible pieces.  It will be a number of weeks before we can stop revisiting this.  Let’s hope we don't come across something else that takes up the anxiety mantel, and I have to start all over again!

Just One Of Those Weeks......

I can't believe it's been a week since my last blog post... I have been meeting myself coming backwards this week!  This week has been one of vision, empowerment and achievement, disappointment and anxiety, intolerance and obstacles, pain and joy!

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In my quest for SEN knowledge and a keen interest in meeting other parents locally, I joined the Parents Forum three years ago.  Initially, I went along just to find out what was going on in our local authority as most of you are familiar with local authorities REALLY don't like SEN parents getting to know too much! Crikey, if we knew too much we might see more clearly their short comings!  Through the meetings I became aware that I did have more to contribute than I first thought.  I'd spent years trapped in this emotional bubble, and trying to find that even keel, trying desperately to balance that see-saw of our life, that I lost sight of who I was and who I had worked hard to be.  What I found confusing too was the 'who I had worked hard to be' because realising that who you want to be is an ever evolving situation can be unnerving, a little bit scary and I was treading unchartered territory.  Could I possibly have anything to give or share? Do you know, and I can say this now, YES I DO!

I'm really passionate about SEN parents and their capacity as an entity, a united voice to influence change.  I've participated as a Parent Rep on local authority task and finish groups, third party steering groups and parent led visioning events.  I started off being very conservative and reserved, taking a much secure position of just nodding and listening.  I was struggling inside to have that inner confidence that 1. Had I anything relevant to say, and 2. That I would be heard.  Stepping over that line came as a bit of a shock to me, I'd had a really crappy week with our 'Bob's anxiety and a truly fed up with the attitude of some people, So when asked whether parents might engage with a new process I just let rip!  Not in a nowty way, or angry outburst kind of way... I merely pointed out quite honestly and calmly the impact of continual assessments, the tiresomeness of repeating your child's history to half a dozen practitioners and the endless filling out of forms, etc, etc.  I tried to convey what truly it is like on the front line of SEN parents, warts and all!  Letting them know we don't what pity, we want answers, we want compromises, we want choices and most of all we want respect and a voice in the decision making of our children's futures!  Shocked! You bet I was, more so because they all listened! I wouldn't say now I have a Rottweiler reputation per se but I don't hold back and will ask squirmy questions.  Parents want to be able to make informed choices, not too much to ask!

So this week was our second Visioning event at the forum, I just love these sessions.  They get you fired up, enthused and above all give you confidence that things are achievable.  As I plan to take another step over another line of uncharted waters, I look back at that day just to remind myself that I didn't get hit by a bolt of lightning, and the ground didn't open up to swallow me! 

I was reminded also today by another mummy blogger www.savette.com  “...we just take everything for granted don’t we and forget us as a person and just see ourselves as mums”... She is right; we all carry on day to day, tackle those daily battles and endless chores, and most cases with no thanks! We strive to do the best for our children, we battle the small ‘uns and big ‘uns, we win some we lose some but we still get up the next morning to start it all over again.  Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that as a person we do some remarkable things every day, and it may be you managed to get your little star to eat a small amount of carrot, or placing a Thomas the tank engine sticker on the toothbrush means your son might put it into his mouth today and tomorrow he might just brush his front teeth.  Every day we are remarkable people, living a remarkable life with some remarkable children!

It's My Anxiety and I'll Cry If I Want Too!

It's been one of those weekends.  I've got over my first blog nerves with the help from another super blogger, still waiting for the bubble to burst to be honest, grappled with my own insecurities because I hadn’t received any comments. Y'know the ones, everybody is too polite to say anything or it wasn't bad enough for anybody to take the time to slate it.  So off I went to seek validation from those who know me so well and love me.  I thought to myself  "these guys will tell me how it is, I hope!" They did positively.  Phew! Though one response from the green-fingered Mr W caught my twinkling blues "...trying to leave a comment on there..". Hmmmm, let's take a look at this baby then.  Several hours later, I had my very own meltdown, felt like an absolute numpty!  Nobody told me you had to switch it on!!

So if you feel the need....go give it a try, I'm waiting!!!**cheeky wink**

As I said, one of those weekends, the lull before the storm that is going back to school! I ALWAYS leave it to the last minute, my thinking behind it; it only leaves days to cause major anxiety meltdown!  Our 'Bob' has over the years finely tuned his meltdowns, we have had the screaming in my face, throwing himself on the floor, finding the ability to launch the most minute missile and make it hurt, and we have had the hours of sobbing and the relentless chunnering to name but a few.  So our latest is to become VERY LOUD, critical and we GO ON, GO ON, GO ON.

Our antecedent - the dreaded school blazer. Our behaviour - firm resistance.  Our consequence - haggling.  You may well ask! My son has got haggling down to a fine art.  In order for us to even attempt the rather crowded store, we haggled a one size one try, so choice of size mattered.  Did I need other stuff? Yep you bet your purdoody I did!  The queue was the longest one I have ever seen in there, and by the looks of the other parents, they had the same idea too! We lasted 2 minutes, one choice, quick try on, and Mr AUTYnary and Our 'Bob' were exit stage left. Leaving me standing on my lonesome.  I did have a little chuckle to myself, as some poor bloke had quite clearly been sent by the wife with said child in tow - mission school uniform.  Bless him he kept taking pictures of different sized blazer's on the child, then talking to mobile, taking it off trying another one on.  All this whilst standing in the queue, now who said men can't multi-task!

 I finally get out and go to seek out Mr and Master AUTYnary, where are they......no bloomin' idea! Gone! By this time I am really cheesed off.  I'm wandering up the street and who comes strolling round the corner; you guessed it Tweedledee and Tweedledum!  Looking very pleased with themselves, our 'Bob' asks for £1.50.  The pair of them had been in the charity shop and had found a lock for the den.  Do I dare mention at this point we need a new pair of shoes?  Nah let’s get the charity shop over and done with.  Besides I knew the response.  The suggestion of going into a weekend packed shopping centre just created an almighty kerfuffle, and that was just the senior of the pair.  The upshot, shoes from last term are in reasonable condition so we are having to change the laces and give them a good polish, school bag is still relatively hole free and we can't possible choose one because someone else might have the same and it would cause confusion, so we don't take the chance! I get "Shsssh'd" and "don't embarrass me" "What are you on woman?" "You're making me anxious!”  So why is buying new every school year important? Is it for me or him? On reflection I'm the one who is concerned he fits in and doesn't stand out anymore that he already does, I'm the one who is conscious he dresses like the other teenage boys because somehow he will be more accepted...who am I kidding!  He just wants to be secure, comfortable with what he knows, he has anxiety about the return to school and all I'm doing is making it worse.  Lesson learnt, stop waiting for the last minute, be smart, change my tact and listen!  He's not a young child and I need to remember that.