Monday, 15 September 2014

Can We Ever Let Go?

If you could see inside my head, the view would be congested with little red balls shooting off in all directions.  Can I ever see myself removing the invisible cloak of protection from my children, in particular our 'Bob'.  Honestly, truthfully, and without apology, NO!  It's not because I don't trust them, it's because I don't trust the world.  Is that a dreadful thing to say? Am I judging a book cover? Or has the story just been tainted by the horrors seeded throughout.

The closer our 'Bob' gets to his 16th birthday, the more unsettled I get.  This last week he has accused me of being over-protective, in fact, he had another almighty meltdown about my interference in whom he could and couldn't speak to over the internet.  He is certainly pushing the ground rules and boundaries.  We've had the chats about staying safe online, and if we personally don't know people then we do not accept them as friends.  I've always spoken frankly with 'Bob', we learnt early on the ambiguity wasn't his strong point, and that we always had better responses when we just told him the truth.

This new ADHD medication isn't helping either; Anxiety levels up, stress levels up! That's just me!  We are revisiting comments about death, 'not being here', 'life is not worth living', 'everyone is against me' and the good old favourite 'I hate autism and ADHD'.  Even his TA is concerned with his persistence in mentioning death at every opportunity.  His turmoil is my turmoil, and this is not the right time to have unpredictable side effects from new meds.  The stresses of exams and transition..... Arghhhhhhhh!

Our life is so tied up with routine, rigidity and rule, that to say it's all about control is merely scratching the surface.  It's in there somewhere, but also can be the problem.  Battles are rife and there is no sign of a peace treaty.  Well, certainly not till we resolve the medication issue at the next CAMHS appointment.

I'm walking around with a heavy mass in my stomach and I can tell you it isn't from eating too many pies!  I dread home time, dread homework, dread bedtime, dread, dread, dread!!

And to top it off, our 'Bob' wants to write a book!!  A teenage Mummy and Me book.  I would love to do this with 'Bob' but not this week.  I'm still struggling with the speed of independence and the challenges loosening the parental grip is presenting.  Am I making too much of his vulnerability, is it just me!  Mr A would say yes if you asked him last month but even he has seen a dramatic change in 'Bob's behaviour.  Am I overreacting? Can't help it, I'm afraid!

Who needs help with transition?  Think it might just be me!


  1. A great thought provoking post

  2. Aw Justine teenagers are difficult at the best of times and don't they always know everything? I did. To have a son who is so vulnerable and naive must break your heart.

    That's why it's called 'tough love' it's so bloody hard and thankless.

    Sending a big hug and lots of love. xx

  3. I fully understand how you feel about letting go, I am the same, though my child is younger, but I dread the day he wants to go out alone.
    I don't think you are overprotective at all, you're simply a caring mum who wants the best for her child and for him to be safe from the world.
    Happy blog anniversary :)