And A Happy New Year To You Too.....

It's that time of year again where we all sit back and reflect on the years successes's and failures, those moments of personal reflection, the if onlys and what ifs, and the rush of steely determination not to let it happen again next year.  The added pressure we put upon ourselves to set some resolutions, just because we feel we ought to! And the prospect of struggling to achieve them because January is probably one of the nastiest of all months in the year for everything; weather, lack of money and the deprivation of all things warming and comforting because you're on a diet!  It's one of those times that I feel the encapsulation of our 'Bob's autistic world would be a much better place!

His only concern is to ensure the creation of another virtual airline, and the offering of sustenance because he can't possibly leave the hub of all activity i.e. The PC!  Mr Autynary is very much the same mindset, no looking back (because it's already happened), no self reflection (because we just don't do that inward looking thing) and certainly no resolutions we couldn't possibly make a decision which one!

This one I know for sure, I'm on my own!  That oh so familiar saying "If you told me that this time last year I wouldn't have believed you...." is very firmly in my mind at the moment because this last year has been filled with extraordinary events and life changing decisions.  I've shoved myself over 'that invisible line', internally kicked and screamed out of my comfort zone and cried my way out of uncertainty.  I have rekindled my relationship with tenacity and have enjoyed inviting in self esteem along for the ride.

Christmas has been and gone, and we have survived! Just!  Nothing changes for us at Christmas the routine stays the same year in year out, albeit we were a little late this year getting stuff organised due to the renovations.  Our 'Bob' managed to eat his soup at the dinner table Christmas day but the plate of food had to be eaten in another room!  Our 'Bob's presents were as instructed and if I had diverted from the list I certainly would have expected an almighty meltdown, it saves anxiety all round if we just play by his rules during the festive season.

We have entered 'no man's land', y'know the time between Christmas and New Year which gets lost in overindulgence, some rather ancient clips of  a Morecombe and Wise Christmas special and re-runs of all the Christmas films ever made!  Throw in Kirstie's vintage Christmas crafts and everything grinds to a halt.  There is a moment in time where I think is this my 'Black Dog' returning or is this just Christmas anti-climax.  It's been such a long time since I have experienced 'ordinary' or 'normal' I couldn't possibly work it out.  I know that bloody 'dog' is loitering somewhere in the background and if I'm not careful will push its way through the back door.  Anybody who has suffered or is suffering from depression will know that there is always a possibility of it sneaking in when you least expect it; Like an uninvited guest who just doesn't pick up the clues to leave!  Well it's not invited to this party!


Where are we going to go next? Who the hell knows!  2014 is holding surprises and a lot of hard work but I say 'Bring It On!'  What I have learnt from last year is to go with it, hold on, it might be a white knuckle ride in parts, but just hold on!  There is a plan loosely lodged somewhere in the grey matter because we have to have a routine but personally I haven't set anything in stone.  What I will say is that I am not going to close any door until I have fully investigated the opportunities.  I have to keep reminding myself that it's OK to have a look, you are not committing yourself to anything.  I have choices and I am the one who will have the final say!!

And my message for the New Year; Acknowledge 2013 and respect all that happened, and then bloomin' hold on tight for 2014! Don't ignore possibilities or opportunities no matter how scary they feel! And in time of doubt or upset remember there are people out there who will support and comfort just know it's OK to reach out.

To you all a very, very sincere Happy New Year and a wish that 2014 will be a year of prosperity, happiness, hope and loads of laughs XXX

What Have I Done With My Life?

I do wonder some days what goes through our 'Bob's head.  I mean he does come up with some weird and wonderful ideas but this one came from left field.  As most of you gather our conversations usually take place in the car to and from school so don't be surprised this one happened after I had picked him up.

'Bob' "I've been thinking..."

Mum "That's dangerous!"

'Bob' "What have I done with my life?"

I'm trying not to avert my eyes off the road but one eyebrow lifting stare to the left is required at this point...

Mum "what are you talking about, you are only 14"

'Bob' "well, I mean I haven't done anything I can remember"

Mum "you've done loads of stuff, you've sat in the cockpit of the concord, been on a train simulator at the engine works, been on lots of holidays, building a plane in the garden” Yes that last one is real!

'Bob' "yeah but what have I done with my life, I need to start thinking about my life...”

How do you respond to that...? I mean I ask myself that question all the time self evaluation doesn't come easy.  I'm hopeless at it.  I'm curious to see how he does manage it.  For 'Bob' the inability to make simple decision is problematic in everyday life so to make such huge whoppers for a life plan is going to be interesting.  His mindset and latest obsessions tend to dictate what he and we do next because unwittingly our lives follow his. Our routine for everyday tasks is firmly set, clothes in set order, when and how we eat breakfast, the morning constitutional, even down to the contents of our lunch box doesn't change day in day out.  How is this young man going to build these into his life plan? Quite simply that is his life! Just because he does things quite rigidly and methodically doesn’t mean it's wrong. Frankly, if life was that orderly most people would find that they have more time on their hands.  Without him realising he gets time management down to a fine art.  It's me that pushes those boundaries.  I'm the one flying around by the seat of my pants! Don't get me wrong I'm not scatty all the time.  I love lists! And boxes and a home for everything.  Maybe he's got something we could bottle!  I still have to make the decision about which clothes get laid out, the contents of the cereal bowl, reminders about cleaning teeth and washing his face though.  If you asked him coco pops or weetabix he would point in my direction “she’ll tell you” would be his response.

Ah and then we have the inability to accept change even if it’s in an orderly fashion.  It causes unhappiness and anxiety which can reach astronomical proportions verging on exaggeration. Then we get the shut down so nothing gets done.  Too many obstacles get placed in the way, and you might as well say goodbye and 'san fairy ann' to sound reasoning and logic! And then we stall!

OK he's 14 some may say too young to be thinking so far ahead, should be enjoying childhood! We don’t have that luxury of time at all because everything takes an age to plan and because of those dreaded obstacles it could take us until he's 40 to get where he wants to be.  'Bob' has so much going on in that little head of his, so many ideas, dreams, lives he wants to live I don't want him to lose that spirit in the process.  We are here to guide him and help him to achieve them; some are so outlandish; at the moment he is planning on buying his own island and creating his own country!  Now you and I know that it's not that straight forward, but in his head it is.  Mr AUTYnary and I will go along, helping him find out information, even create his own family crest.  Knowing all too well that at some point we may have to bring some of those ideas down to earth with a bump!  I want him to embrace that entrepreneurial gumption, I want him to have those opportunities that could see him reach those dizzy heights of success, and I want him to have those chances!  Even if it means I have to don on a life jacket and climb into a dodgy looking motor board dingy, travel the treacherous Irish Sea and climb into a tent on some windy remote uninhabited island off the Irish coast just to find out that setting up your own country might not be a good idea after all!