It Wasn't Me! The Reality of living with Invisible Vulnerability.

It's taken me two weeks to write this.  Honestly I have been incredibly busy working in my Parents Forum/Sportism capacity, spending time trying to make sense of the SEN Code of Practice Children and Families Bill and organising a children's Xmas party. Though the thought of writing this particular blog would mean I would have to face the stomach churning fear I have for my son's future again. The realisation that no amount of prior preparation and planning, reassurance and creating a shed load of life rules can prevent the overwhelming urge he gets to do some downright stupid, unpredictable, damaging, dangerous, illegal (Oh yes you heard me correctly and I will say it again), ILLEGAL things.  This is Invisible Vulnerability at its best and I have had the corker of all corkers.  Find me a hill top because I really want to scream!!!

It's difficult to explain to most people about the invisible vulnerability of children on the spectrum, and in particular for those children on the higher end who outwardly look like ordinary children in ordinary houses on an ordinary street anywhere in the world!  I will try to explain about our 'Bob' and his latest all mighty 'this is the best one yet' stunt!!!

Two weeks ago  I got the most unpleasant surprise I have had for a while.  The sheer shock made me feel incredibly sick and for a split second lost the ability to make sound judgement or rationale.  The Postman usually arrives around 10.30am, we don't get a lot of mail because everything is usually fired off electronically these days so it's quite a novelty to get some.  The usual 'Occupier' 'Homeowner' mail on the doormat along with a letter from Tesco Banking.  Now normally I would throw something like this in the paper bin because it's usually junk.  Thank goodness I didn't!!!  There before me was a letter asking me for more information for my credit card application.  WHAT credit card application???? I'm a stay at home mum/carer, what the.... You can imagine it can't you I'm pacing the kitchen, reading this letter again just to make sure I've got it correctly.  I am so mad and the who, what, where, when is going through my head.  Instant reaction and I'm on the phone dialling the 0845 number, cursing that one too because it will cost me a fortune!  

Blooming annoying! I get through to a Customer Service Operator, take a deep breath and go through the story.  I'm put on hold, waiting to be put through to the Fraud Department.  No joy there, nobody is answering so I leave a message.  I'm told someone will get back to me the same day.  So I wait. Nothing. I try again before going for our 'Bob' but by this time I've had several cups of tea and thought about it.  I remember two weeks earlier having one of those dismissive conversations with 'Bob' about the Sainsburys credit card which gives you Nectar points.  'Bob' was doing a good job putting his case forward for Mr Autynary and myself to get one, which obviously we swiftly declined.  I didn't think any more of it, that was until that day.  

'BOB'! What had he done now? Wait till I get him in the car! I'm thinking all this on the drive to school, and for one shocking moment I can't remember how I drove a quarter of a mile down the road because I'm head chunnering.  Amongst a sea of mauve I see 'Bob' making his way to the car, now I  know I have to be careful because one slight whiff he's been rumbled I will not get any ownership from him at all.  So there I am diplomatically interrogating 'Bob'.

"Is there anything you need to tell me about Tesco Banking?"

"Noooo" "What you talking about?" a rather shifty answer and a rather puce looking teenager.

And with slight exaggeration

"I have spoken to the Fraud Department of Tesco Banking about an online application for a credit card which I have no idea about or who's applied in my name, do know anything about it?"

"Well it wasn't me!" quick sheepish answer!

"Well the thing is they have the computer IP address and if I haven't applied for one they are going to pursue the person who the address belongs too, so if I was you  I would tell me what you have been filling in on the Tesco's website because they are calling me back?"

So I then get an embellished story about how he thought he was registering on the Tesco's Direct website, and that he knows not to sign up for things in my name, etc, etc, blah, blah.  And quite frankly that's what it sounded like to me.  I knew he had done it so my mind was now shifted in trying to resolve the issue, and I had better check with a credit reference agency to double check that I'd not had my identity cloned or that the little tinker hadn't signed me for HP on a 737 aircraft!

You can imagine, can't you?  I ask him again if he has done anything I need to be aware of and the answer came back reassuringly "No!" So why then was I surprised to go through a similar situation on the following Monday morning with an OPENED Tesco Banking Savers Account in my name and in a separate envelope a 'Thank you for arranging a direct debit into your new Savers Account' letter.

By this time I'm furious!  Then I had to stop. The wave of emotion slowly makes its way up through my body and I find I am staring out of the window in tears.  I know deep down that a mist of Autism and a wave of ADHD have created a difficult situation, a dangerous situation, a vulnerable situation..... VULNERABLE.  I want to scream and scream and scream.  I have to phone up Tesco's Customer Service yet again with a story which sounds like I've made it up, tricky decisions to make about having my details be put on a credit fraud list so if it happens again I have a little red flag over my name.  Hoping that they don't want to prosecute for fraud, or any other law he's broken in the process.  OMG! I would have to tell Mr Autynary, well that would go down in history as the worse thing possible and it would be ALL my fault.  Never mind 'Stop the World!' I just want to disappear into the ether and I don't want to come out.  

I manage to compose myself when I pick 'Bob' up from school and I am quite frank with him.  By this point he really does know the games up and has to admit to everything.  I don't get an apology, lots of explanation as to how it happened and another reassurance it won't happen again!  Somehow I don't think this will be the case and with all the will in the world and lots of hoping, I don't think 'Bob' can make that promise either, which is so, so, so sad.  I don't think I can ever get complacent or allow myself the time off from pre-epting those predictable or unpredictable events which are yet to bestow their troubles on our doorstep! 

The Accidental Comic!

And who said Autists don't have any sense of humour... Our 'Bob' doesn't set out to be funny, and he's far from the class clown.  I’d like to say he was a prankster but that would mean he planned what he was doing and more often than not it simply happens! It can be strangely humorous when it does.  I'd like to believe that there is a funny button in his brain which gets switched on in very much the same manner as is the compulsion to press the red buttons; There is no plan and it usually occurs without any warm up!

When I look back he's been doing it most of his life and it wasn’t until he was older it became more obvious.  Our 'Bob' does love a giggle but his funniest moments are usually tied in with his little 'tinker' trait!  The first time an incident caused a memorable ruckus, 'Bob' was three years old.  I'd received the infamous beckoning hand from his Nursery Teacher, and off I shuffle to get a parental grilling.  I seriously don't know how she kept her face straight, I'm confronted with the statement

 "He's spent most of the day in Reception!"

 I'm starting to get somewhat twitchy at this point, and ask

 "So what's he been up to this time?" with a slight head cock to the right.

 "He managed to make the whole class cry!" 

Wow! That was an achievement for a three year old, Crikey what the hell has he been up to!

It transpires that my son had a real passion for switching the classroom lights on and off, and completely oblivious to the cries of his classmates, and as if that wasn't enough, the CD player attracted attention too and he kept switching between CD and Radio - Rock FM it transpires does not go down well with 25 three year olds.  Now I know it wasn't funny for the little ones but how does one child manage to run rings round two Nursery Teachers!

Our 'Bob' likes to save the very best for us, his nearest and dearest.  One year he managed to convince my husband that our town must have had an airport and it was located on the nearby golf course and to prove he was right he pulled up a google maps page and presented my husband with his findings.  Mr Autynary wasn’t convinced but ‘Bob’ presented him with the TomTom, and there it was!  By this point both of us are on the verge of believing this great find. And making a few logical searches on the web soon realised that the little tinker had found a WWII map of a nearby American airbase and had overlaid the map on google and had edited the TomTom information.  He’d been rumbled!

The Selfridges run around was another unpredicted moment.  ‘Bob’ has a passion for buttons, wires, knobs, anything really that is remotely twiddly.  The need to fiddle became so overwhelming one Christmas, the sight of all the timer controllers in the kitchen department sent him on overload.  He managed to run around and synchronize all of said items to go off at exactly the same time!!  All we got was an almighty “RUN!”

I thought he was just having a monumental meltdown and had decided to hightail it out of the store.  That was until I heard an almighty ripple of timer bells going off!!

You would think the safety of our own home would prevent his antics.  Ha Ha Ha! No! ‘Bob’ had been badgering for a radio station and Mr Autynary decided to give him a transmitter.  Not such a good idea.  Somehow ‘Bob’ had sussed out how to transmit the dull set tones of Tiffany “I think we’re alone now! And his own version of Neighbourhood News right in the middle of an FM Band Radio 4 afternoon broadcast! I wondered why my neighbors opposite was standing outside their home with their arms crossed and a few disapproving looks!

Household chores don’t escape his comical touch either!  Most recently Bob decided to fill the dishwasher which was odd in itself because he doesn’t engage in chores!  There he was, busy as a bee and we generally thought he was making an effort, so we left him to it!,  Big mistake, HUGE! Somehow the machine didn't get put on that night and  I put it on first thing in the morning.  When I got back home after school drop off  I am greeted by a sea of bubbles seeping out of the sides of the dishwasher! They were absolutely everywhere!.  Every time I opened the door more bubbles appeared. It resembled a Faulty Towers sketch.  It took me hours to clean the mess up.  

When I  picked him up from school and asked if there was something he wanted to share with me, a little smirk crept over his face

“I wasn't me!”

“ It was the plate with bubbles on!”

“What plate with bubbles on ‘Bob’?”

“The one covered in fairy liquid!”

I can only assume that the fragrant green liquid decided to sprout legs and walk itself onto the plate for a bit of a lie down.  You may think at this point that ‘Bob’ isn’t supervised, the comical reality is that he is.  The art of stealth has been well honed!   Even though we chuckle and find it amusing it does highlight a more serious point the invisible vulnerability of children and adults with high functioning Autism!  Never assume the obvious, and never let them fill your dishwasher!