Back On The Frontline

We're back.......... "Run for the Hills" I hear some of you shout!

I've re-started this blog over a million times, and with every stroke of the keyboard keys just wasn't happy.  Where have we been?  Not far, just my priorities changed.  For those parents who are familiar with transitions will appreciate the saying "when the going gets tough, on goes the armour".

Life was not being kind to our 'Bob'.  Exam year, revision, future decisions, and more decisions = Stress, anxiety, low mood, and lack of self-esteem and confidence.  We needed time out to concentrate on his issues and clear our minds to be able to deal with the decision making placed upon him by the transfer process from his Statement of Education to the new Education, Health and Care Plan.  What a shambles!

Hang on a minute whilst I drag my soap box out from under the stairs.  Now I've been involved at a strategic level locally, wearing my professional cap for a couple of years.  Even having this knowledge did not prepare us for the increased stress and anxiety on our household.  Where was the impact study on decision making process for young people?  Where was the consideration for those young people 16+ who were deemed able to make their own decisions yet are known to struggle with communication?  Where was the discussion around and the plans for those young people who may be affected by mental health issues?  I believe in the principal of the changes, but boy, you can tell that political timetables were running the show.  These changes are the most significant in over 30 years, surely someone would have realised that perhaps squeezing it all through at the same time might be a tad bit optimistic, and not without its prisoners.  My son is not being one of those prisoners, I will NOT let this happen.  So many parent carers have dusted off the shiny outerwear and got out the Brasso, for something we were reassured would not be another battle.  However, this is what it has turned into!   All this gives new meaning to the lyrics "Walk a mile in my shoes...."  Well in this case OUR shoes.

We can all look back in hindsight and make judgement.  The preparations for this have been ongoing for over four years, surely these questions were asked and discussed over a couple of glasses of Pinot Grigio in the Parliamentary Members' Dining Room!  Personally, I am, and I'm sure I'm not the only parent carer out there, exasperated by it all, drained of every ounce of unused energy.  Not that there was much left.  

We as a family have had to change direction, change strategies, aspirations and goals.  Have you noticed the elephant in the room......?  CHANGE!  It doesn't take a genius only someone who is prepared to put in the time to find out what affects young people with Asperger’s or high functioning autism. No need to move the earth, sun or moon here.   So much for the process to be person centred, stumbling your way through it just makes a mockery of the whole ethos!  Soap box put back in its place.

So as I'm typing this our bleary eyed 'Bob' demands clean clothes, but not any old clean clothes, pyjamas!  Pyjamas, it's three in the afternoon and he has only just got up!

"Joggers?" I ask

"No!" proceeded with what seemed to be a 2,000 word verbal essay on why we can't possibly where these particular joggers.

"No PJ’s I'm afraid.  Tough boobie doos, joggers it will have to be my boy!"  

Disgruntled, he disappears to examine further the objected joggers.  It doesn't take too long before he is back downstairs and the whole episode has been forgotten.

Life!  Crikey in for a penny, in for a pound today!   We have a new addition to the family, a 10 week old kitten called Roman, who insists on sitting on the keyboard whilst I'm typing.  So in the true meaning of inclusion here is a little insert from Roo.

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Don't know about you guys, but I've always wondered whether it would be obvious to see those genetic personality traits we all attempt to seek out in our offspring.  It turns out our 'Bob' is a chip off the ol' block and very opinionated like his Mother.  In our attempt to spread our 'Bob's social wings, he has joined a local young person’s forum and Youth Cabinet, and has thoroughly enjoyed it.  He continues to strengthen his ability to voice his views and opinions on autism, disability and the World, and hearing him talk about his difficulties has opened my eyes and my mind to all the other possibilities for his future. He brings tears to my eyes when I least expect it.  Incredibly unpredictable.

Knowing how difficult it is for our 'Bob' to put himself out there, he challenged perception and his own demons, and put himself forward for the local Youth Parliament elections.  Now just putting your name down can be harrowing, but bless him, he wrote his election speech and filmed his election video which was sent round to all local schools.  We went through every result possible throughout the couple of months wait.  Finally the vote count was on, and a reception at the Town Hall meant that 'Bob' overcame a huge amount of social anxiety about unfamiliar places and people to attend.  I was sent away with a flea in my ear because "nobody else will have brought their mums".  Sad face!  I waited in the car park for ages.  

His face said it all!  He was last with 303 votes, disappointed yes.  How do you recover from that blow?  With a lot of positives and a bag full of love.   The fact 303 young people voted for him was incredible!  He was my Hero, it wasn't about beating someone else, it was the 'doing it', it was pushing yourself irrespectively of his internal turmoil to try something new.

With reassurance I told 'Bob' he could try again next year, to which he responded with an emphatic "No".   The embarrassment and now known anxiety had left its mark, an episode in life ticked off the bucket list but NEVER to be revisited again.

Can We Ever Let Go?

If you could see inside my head, the view would be congested with little red balls shooting off in all directions.  Can I ever see myself removing the invisible cloak of protection from my children, in particular our 'Bob'.  Honestly, truthfully, and without apology, NO!  It's not because I don't trust them, it's because I don't trust the world.  Is that a dreadful thing to say? Am I judging a book cover? Or has the story just been tainted by the horrors seeded throughout.

The closer our 'Bob' gets to his 16th birthday, the more unsettled I get.  This last week he has accused me of being over-protective, in fact, he had another almighty meltdown about my interference in whom he could and couldn't speak to over the internet.  He is certainly pushing the ground rules and boundaries.  We've had the chats about staying safe online, and if we personally don't know people then we do not accept them as friends.  I've always spoken frankly with 'Bob', we learnt early on the ambiguity wasn't his strong point, and that we always had better responses when we just told him the truth.

This new ADHD medication isn't helping either; Anxiety levels up, stress levels up! That's just me!  We are revisiting comments about death, 'not being here', 'life is not worth living', 'everyone is against me' and the good old favourite 'I hate autism and ADHD'.  Even his TA is concerned with his persistence in mentioning death at every opportunity.  His turmoil is my turmoil, and this is not the right time to have unpredictable side effects from new meds.  The stresses of exams and transition..... Arghhhhhhhh!

Our life is so tied up with routine, rigidity and rule, that to say it's all about control is merely scratching the surface.  It's in there somewhere, but also can be the problem.  Battles are rife and there is no sign of a peace treaty.  Well, certainly not till we resolve the medication issue at the next CAMHS appointment.

I'm walking around with a heavy mass in my stomach and I can tell you it isn't from eating too many pies!  I dread home time, dread homework, dread bedtime, dread, dread, dread!!

And to top it off, our 'Bob' wants to write a book!!  A teenage Mummy and Me book.  I would love to do this with 'Bob' but not this week.  I'm still struggling with the speed of independence and the challenges loosening the parental grip is presenting.  Am I making too much of his vulnerability, is it just me!  Mr A would say yes if you asked him last month but even he has seen a dramatic change in 'Bob's behaviour.  Am I overreacting? Can't help it, I'm afraid!

Who needs help with transition?  Think it might just be me!

Transition - In More Ways Than One

Reality has reeled us back into normality like a long lost friend.  Picking up where you left off hasn't been easy, and just because you are so damned organised doesn't make for smooth sailing either!  By the end of the Summer term the whole Autynary clan was exhausted, mentally and physically.  Time was needed to rebalance and redress, detox from technology and go back to basics.

My tipping point was forgetting to send back promptly a document for DWP on behalf of our 'Bob'.  I could have kicked myself! Actually, no, I walked round the kitchen repeating lots of expletives!  For many, receiving disability living allowance for your child, can make a huge difference to the needs of that child and a lifeline for hundreds.  The initial process for applying for DLA was torturous, having to describe the worst of your child's behaviour, difficulties and see their vulnerability in black and white was most definitely not what I signed up for! So when we received the DWP letter reminding us of our 'Bob's impending 16th birthday and the changes this entails, why on earth did I put it somewhere safe and forget about it!  A grand reminder that our little man wasn't so little or the uncertainty of the adult world, fear, too much too soon, the unknown..... All of the above, I think!

Mr Autynary wasn't helping with his explosive response to external anxieties, not a good advert for the adult Auty world influences, and certainly didn't help the ongoing deep discussions between me and our 'Bob' about the changes that would be happening to him over the next 12 months.

Our 'Bob' took part in a local conference for young people with SEN and disability which prompted a significant amount of soul searching on his part about autism and combined with his new ADHD medication, increased his anxieties about the difference between himself and others.  He has been troubled by so many thoughts swimming around in his head, and with this mix of unknowns insists on calling any awkward situation as 'embarrassing'.  An increase in meltdowns was most definitely a 'sure thing' this Summer! No failing on that part, I have finger bruises to prove it.  Our 'Bob' has given a new meaning to the Facebook 'poke'!

Our 'Bob' and I took part in an interview with the BBC, about the SEND changes and the impact this will have on young people preparing for post 16 transition (will let you know when it's being aired).  Interesting and what an experience!  As I am standing watching Nikki Fox speaking to our 'Bob', and listening to him struggling with his stutter, desperately trying to explain the difficulties, one thing is for sure he is most definitely his mother's son.  I am so very proud of him.  Not wanting to be seen in the shot, or for the crew to see, I wipe away my tears!  I have never heard him talk with such passion about autism and his family's support.

This seemed to start the rolling discussions throughout Summer, and not wanting to stop the flow, consciously decided that whilst I love to write, our 'Bob' wanted to talk and I needed to listen.

And as you all know, our life is full of epiphanies, light bulb moments, sure things, drama and unknowns.  I needed to stop being a 'Weeble' wobble, find my centre, recharge, reinforce and to give myself a break!  I was selfish!  It wasn't a 'place' I wanted to share and it wouldn't have been fair.  It is so difficult to just consciously stop, most people will be forced by a situation or external force, but it is so important for parents who are carers to care about themselves.  "It's easy for you to say" I hear you cry, OK, I know, but please don't feel guilty for retreating for a while to recharge, taking half an hour in the bath or like me completely retreating for over a month just remember to come back where like-minded individuals can continue to support you.

My retreat meant I missed my blog's first anniversary, so HAPPY ANNIVERSAY MRS AUTYNARY, I hope the next year will be filled with lots of experiences to share (good ones in abundance, please!), lots of laughter ('sure thing' our 'Bob's involved), tears (only those of joy) and friendship.

Watch out for our 'Bob's tales of political supremeness, writing a book and shaking off Mum!

When Life Gives You Lemons.........................................

When life gives you lemons, suck hard and wince!!!! Life sometimes doesn't wait to be invited to stop, it naturally puts on the brakes and you find yourself ploughing into the back of the person in front of you!!

This last month we had our 'Bob's review, new medication,  launch event of the Parents Forum, developing 'Bob's revision techniques for GCSEs, and lots and lots of SEN information to read.  I have chased my tail that many times in the last four weeks and flown by the seat of my pants, I should be wearing my knickers over my tights and a red cape!!  Not that I am saying I'm Superwoman, far from it!  I think SEN mummies wear red capes all the time, not too sure about the knickers though that would be above and beyond the call of duty, and very bizarre!

I have dealt with child and adult meltdowns for a variety of reasons; some completely off the wall and others with good reason, and I have had to hold my hands up and take responsibility for my own actions.  Uncomfortable, yes! Necessary, yes! Life changing, you betcha!

I have had some incredible conversations with some incredible SEN parents who take Warrior Mums to another level.  Inspiring and touching, making me realise the need for parental support can be such a lifeline for so many families, and such a rewarding thing to be a part of.

I have reached into my own emotional suitcase more times than I cared for this last month, know it still hurts, but I'm able to carefully put it away until the next time.  I have struggled to know when they all need to come out and come to the conclusion that whilst they are safely boxed away they can all stay there a little bit longer.

SEN life is changing for so many families, and it's ramping up at a right rate of knots.  Awareness and readiness are going to be crucial to successful implementation, there's no stopping the world this time, it's ploughing its way through into September and beyond!  I truly believe in working together, the new buzz word is Co-production and its threaded through the new SEN Code of Practice.

SEN parents need to be at the very heart of these changes, and involved in the delivery of services for their children and young people in equal partnership. Our local authorities need to realise that although they may have the expertise, we as parents have the knowledge of our own individual children and that is invaluable! Parents as Partners; Working with, Not to!

"I Hate This House!" - Sibling With A View

It truly doesn't matter how old your children are, or if they're on the spectrum or not!  If they've got a gripe the whole house knows about it.  Sadly, it is usually us mummies who take the brunt of the directed rage.  For other people looking in, a perception of the spoilt brat syndrome, or just a horrible, badly parented child is quite often a stereotypical conclusion.  Step inside the sibling world of a child who is on the spectrum and one who has ADHD, and try to understand how difficult it must be for them.

There's no blame to be had, but it certainly is tricky avoiding the feeling of guilt!  Our 'Lil' is in her twenties now and is 'Bob's older sister.  She's nearly six years older, and for those first six years it was just me, her and Dad.  A lot of the time it was just her and me, Mr A spent lots of time working away and we loved doing girlie stuff.  Every weekend would be girlie road trip, and we would go all over the place.  Even when she was a baby and I didn't drive, somehow we still managed to get out and about.

I recall the times when she was a toddler and I would be getting ready for work.  'Lil' would be sent back to sleep by the noise of the hairdryer, and she would just absolutely love to help me choose my outfit.  I never had any concerns about her development, she was way too smart even from being a couple of hours old, this baby was holding her own head up and being a right old nosey parker!  She didn't miss a trick!  If there is such a thing, she probably had an old head on young shoulders.  I know someone once told my grandmother the exact same thing about me, I was never too sure what they meant, but she is very much like me, probably more ways than she would like!

When our 'Bob' came along, it was quite easy to prepare 'Lil' for the imminent arrival.  She was a proper mother hen before he was even born, and where possible I would involve her in much of the preparation.  She loves her brother so very much, she might not like to admit it half the time because he's 'weird' 'a pain' and generally finds him irritating!  But don't all sisters think that about their brothers at some point.

She does not let Autism or ADHD influence her view of her brother, his behaviour, though sometimes gets a verbal 'thrashing!  I often wonder whether his behaviour held her back from inviting people to our home, and influenced her decision to only have a very small select group of friends.  I suppose when you've experienced a sleepover birthday party and your young brother pee's in your friends shoes, does leave you somewhat mortified and a little bit worried about the unpredictability.

There is a  part of me that has always been concerned that having an 'odd' dad and 'weird' brother, stressed mum may well have contributed towards how she sees her place in the world.  She has to have been influenced by the environment, no matter how hard I've tried to balance out 'normal' (whatever that may be) with the 'quirky'!

Have I ever questioned whether she is on the spectrum? Yep, and she has too!  I am sure she isn't, In my honest opinion she has been influenced by the traits, and yes, there are moments when you think that almighty outburst over something trivial or the inability to make adjustments for someone else's behaviour, or the orderly way we dispense our breakfast might just.... Then she does something else like seeking out a snuggle, or tells you she loves you, or asks me why I look so sad and there is the moment of reassurance!

Not always plain sailing though!  We have had tears before bedtime, she has hated living here on numerous occasions, 'Bob' gets away with everything, we give him more attention and the all time favourite, we love him more!  So far away from the truth, but for her it's real.  For us, we have to acknowledge it does feel real for her and we have had to learn not to dismiss, to be open to change (even though that in itself can be quite controversial), and more fundamental than anything else being able to just listen.  I can't tell you the amount of times she has pushed the boundaries for one's own gains, though, and she has been successful on several occasions.  Sometimes it wasn't worth sweating over the small stuff, it's hard being a sibling of a child with SEN and/or disability, and you have to pick your fights as a parent!

Then you hear a squeal, and this almighty roar of laughter, running through the house like a herd of elephants and you find that one of them has jumped out on the other, or they were tickling one another, or chasing each other around the house with Nerf guns or water pistols.  You find them collapsed in a fit of laughter on the sofa, and you smile, and for that split second you feel the warmth of a job well done.

'Lil' and I know that 'Bob' may not always be there to look out for her, not because he won't, but because he may not recognise when she does need him. I've got time yet to work on that one with him and no matter what 'Lil' says she will always have her brothers back.

I am so very proud of my daughter because despite how chaotic our family life is and what a roller coaster ride we've been on, she has studied hard, got some fantastic exam results, goes to University, has developed a good work ethic (she has been working part time in one job or another since she was 14), and has turned into such a beautiful human being with a good heart.

In honour of National Sibling Day which has just passed, our 'Lil' and 'Bob', through the tears, heartache and happiness, Siblings together forever!

Not forgetting ADHD......

When I think of Autism and ADHD I have this vision of two ginormous A's having fisticuffs and imagine that this is what it's like for our 'Bob' internally.  The two have some similar traits which often can lead to some confusion in diagnosis, but in 'Bob's case these two stood together like regimented soldiers!  Shoulder to shoulder!

 Until 'Bob' was actually diagnosed by the child psychiatrist with ADHD, I seriously thought our life was a journey that we were just going to have to walk down without any help.  I'll never forget the day after 'Bob's ASD diagnosis, we were given a website address, a 'thanks for coming along' and a virtual shove out the door, we didn't even get a leaflet!  We just managed, what else were we to do.  Just managing his day, responding to his behaviour, fighting for support, sitting in the bathroom for hours due to his bowel problems, and always wearing trainers because I was never too sure when he was going to scarper, well quite frankly I was so incredibly tired! 

There wasn't much fight left, and seriously I wondered how long I could carry on.  When my gorgeous little nine year old boy refused to go to school and then announced to Mr Autynary and I he wanted to be dead, I got my second wind.  Mortified that my child was talking about suicide, and death, and not wanting to be in this world was upsetting, but even more cutting was the thought that no amount of love we gave him would  soothe the pain  he quite clearly was experiencing.  An internal pain that he had no idea what it was, where it came from, how to get rid of it, or how to describe it!

Petrified that 'Bob's unpredictability and no understanding of consequence would lead him to take his own life, I insisted an immediate appointment with the GP.  I know we were lucky and not everyone experiences such a speedy response, but we managed to get a CAMHS appointment within the week.  The trigger for 'Bob's anxiety was quickly identified, constant change of teaching staff and a rather dreadful support teacher, and once addressed with school we were able to make necessary changes.  Thank god for the summer holidays!

The road was long, and there were lots of assessments, but when the psychiatrist explained that 'Bob' did in fact have ADHD as well as high functioning autism I was confused.  'Bob' wasn't jumping out of windows, or clambering out of moving vehicles, running around in circles constantly, or kicking the place in!  How shallow my stereotypical opinion was about ADHD.  

Everyone was surprised!  It turns out I wasn't the only one with that fixed opinion either.  Slowly, over time and with a lot of negotiation and tests, 'Bob' was put on ADHD medication.  It wasn't our first choice and we resisted for well over a year before agreeing, but 'Bob' was struggling at school.   He couldn't focus, was distracted so easily, quite argumentative and became this tight little coil ready to explode!  

I wouldn't go as far as to say it worked miracles because that definitely would be an understatement, but it did what it said on the tin, and more importantly 'Bob' was able to access the national curriculum.  He didn't spend days heightened on anxiety or so stressful that literally his and our lives seemed to just stop!  We've got used to living with our mate ADHD, we can put him asleep with a little white tablet for most of the day and respect him when he's not.  

At the moment ADHD and Autism are marching to the same tune, and 'Bob' understands the importance of  his medication (he even reminds me).  'Bob' can identify now when his medication is wearing off and if a situation is not working for him, well, we get to know about it before an emotional tsunami takes place.  We don't know what is going to happen; I hear varying stories about ADHD and possible cures. What I do know is ADHD doesn't have us 'Bob' has ADHD in more ways than one!

The Dentist!

I don't know about you, but I am absolutely petrified of the dentists! I'm from a generation that was frog marched to see the school dentist at the local clinic, thrust into a cold dental chair, filings and extractions without numbing, and the unnecessary view of hairy nostrils!  So I promised myself I would not put my children through that ordeal.

From our 'Bob' being little I used to take him with me to my dental appointments, I wanted to acclimatize him to the experience not scare the ebby jebbies out of him, so took the softly softly approach and braved it out myself.  It had worked with his sister so in my naivety thought it 'worked for one it will work for the other one'.  How far from the truth could it have got.  Unaware at this stage about autism and ADHD, just thought he was being a 'little monkey' when he refused to open his mouth for the dentist or the time when he bite his finger.  Well, I must say he's a dentist and should have known better than flaunt a digit near a four year old child's mouth!  We just about managed to get him there once a year, and that was agonizing; The screams, the blatant refusal, the chasing round the surgery and trying to coax him out from under the dentist's desk!  It got to a point when he used to check his teeth whilst he was upside down on my lap on a swivel chair!  And when the old dentist decided to retire, OMG!

There were moments in time that the least of my worries was a trip to the dentist and I will hold my hands up we didn't necessarily meet our checkup dates!  After our 'Bob's diagnosis, our lives levelled out and an acceptance that it was never going to be quite how you had dreamed of and you would just have to get on with it.  The 'normality' of life had to find its place in the new version of ours, so visits to the dentist had to be dealt with head on along with everything else.

Dreading having THAT conversation where you actually have to say out loud, "He has high functioning autism.." and wait for the "Oh right.." followed by an awkward silence.  Assuming you were going to have to take the lead on this and partake with all that autistic information you had soaked up like a sponge; Sharing suggested strategies, website addresses and offering leaflets that you had to do so many other times before with professionals was at the forefront of your mind!

How refreshing to hear " OK, how can we make 'Bob's visits easier?" "Tell me about his sensory issues?" "I'll talk to 'Bob' about everything we will be doing and show him the equipment and we take it all at his pace!"  Had I found an angel? Was this a fluke? Am I hearing right?  

True to his word our dentist took time out to get to know our 'Bob', built up trust and went at his pace.  There were the odd times when we had some glitches but the difference was we were working together.  Our 'Bob's dentist shows him on his high tech screen his x-rayed teeth, explains the dark patches and the light patches, why he has to have the treatment and if he didn't what the outcome would be.  When he struggled with his first extraction and the huge needle used for numbing, the fact it took two appointments to actually complete the procedure did not faze the dentist at all.  

After many years struggling to understand why my children had teeth difficulties, our new dentist was the one who identified that 'Bob' and his sister had a genetic abnormality of the tooth enamel, and it had nothing to do with their dental care.  Slight relief after 'Bob' spent years chewing his toothbrush and eating toothpaste, that his brushing skills weren't too bad!  And it's amazing how effective a free mini toothpaste tube can be on our morning teeth cleaning routine.  Though I sometimes wonder if  it's the buzz he gets as he whips it from the box on the window sill as we make our hasty exit from the surgery!

Our recent extraction last Friday was another successful trip.  Our 'Bob' talks the hind legs off a donkey, but the dentist seems to have the patience of a saint; he's also quite firm with 'Bob' too, and you have to be sometimes or 'Bob' will just go off on a tangent and completely railroad you.  It's remarkable how 'Bob' can change the subject back to the flight path of the new Dreamliner, and how on earth you can make the comparison between it's wind speed and how quickly you can remove a tooth beggars belief!

You can so understand how parents on finding remarkable professionals just want to spirit them away, and don't want them to move on.  Investments have been made in those relationships, and it makes a huge difference in the daily battles; one less can lighten the load so much for families.  Our dentist might not be everyone's cup of tea, and there is nothing 'magical' about his manner, but if you could bottle his attitude and approach carry it around with you, sprinkle the fairy dust on all the professionals you meet, what a slightly less stressful life we would all lead!

And A Happy New Year To You Too.....

It's that time of year again where we all sit back and reflect on the years successes's and failures, those moments of personal reflection, the if onlys and what ifs, and the rush of steely determination not to let it happen again next year.  The added pressure we put upon ourselves to set some resolutions, just because we feel we ought to! And the prospect of struggling to achieve them because January is probably one of the nastiest of all months in the year for everything; weather, lack of money and the deprivation of all things warming and comforting because you're on a diet!  It's one of those times that I feel the encapsulation of our 'Bob's autistic world would be a much better place!

His only concern is to ensure the creation of another virtual airline, and the offering of sustenance because he can't possibly leave the hub of all activity i.e. The PC!  Mr Autynary is very much the same mindset, no looking back (because it's already happened), no self reflection (because we just don't do that inward looking thing) and certainly no resolutions we couldn't possibly make a decision which one!

This one I know for sure, I'm on my own!  That oh so familiar saying "If you told me that this time last year I wouldn't have believed you...." is very firmly in my mind at the moment because this last year has been filled with extraordinary events and life changing decisions.  I've shoved myself over 'that invisible line', internally kicked and screamed out of my comfort zone and cried my way out of uncertainty.  I have rekindled my relationship with tenacity and have enjoyed inviting in self esteem along for the ride.

Christmas has been and gone, and we have survived! Just!  Nothing changes for us at Christmas the routine stays the same year in year out, albeit we were a little late this year getting stuff organised due to the renovations.  Our 'Bob' managed to eat his soup at the dinner table Christmas day but the plate of food had to be eaten in another room!  Our 'Bob's presents were as instructed and if I had diverted from the list I certainly would have expected an almighty meltdown, it saves anxiety all round if we just play by his rules during the festive season.

We have entered 'no man's land', y'know the time between Christmas and New Year which gets lost in overindulgence, some rather ancient clips of  a Morecombe and Wise Christmas special and re-runs of all the Christmas films ever made!  Throw in Kirstie's vintage Christmas crafts and everything grinds to a halt.  There is a moment in time where I think is this my 'Black Dog' returning or is this just Christmas anti-climax.  It's been such a long time since I have experienced 'ordinary' or 'normal' I couldn't possibly work it out.  I know that bloody 'dog' is loitering somewhere in the background and if I'm not careful will push its way through the back door.  Anybody who has suffered or is suffering from depression will know that there is always a possibility of it sneaking in when you least expect it; Like an uninvited guest who just doesn't pick up the clues to leave!  Well it's not invited to this party!


Where are we going to go next? Who the hell knows!  2014 is holding surprises and a lot of hard work but I say 'Bring It On!'  What I have learnt from last year is to go with it, hold on, it might be a white knuckle ride in parts, but just hold on!  There is a plan loosely lodged somewhere in the grey matter because we have to have a routine but personally I haven't set anything in stone.  What I will say is that I am not going to close any door until I have fully investigated the opportunities.  I have to keep reminding myself that it's OK to have a look, you are not committing yourself to anything.  I have choices and I am the one who will have the final say!!

And my message for the New Year; Acknowledge 2013 and respect all that happened, and then bloomin' hold on tight for 2014! Don't ignore possibilities or opportunities no matter how scary they feel! And in time of doubt or upset remember there are people out there who will support and comfort just know it's OK to reach out.

To you all a very, very sincere Happy New Year and a wish that 2014 will be a year of prosperity, happiness, hope and loads of laughs XXX

It Wasn't Me! The Reality of living with Invisible Vulnerability.

It's taken me two weeks to write this.  Honestly I have been incredibly busy working in my Parents Forum/Sportism capacity, spending time trying to make sense of the SEN Code of Practice Children and Families Bill and organising a children's Xmas party. Though the thought of writing this particular blog would mean I would have to face the stomach churning fear I have for my son's future again. The realisation that no amount of prior preparation and planning, reassurance and creating a shed load of life rules can prevent the overwhelming urge he gets to do some downright stupid, unpredictable, damaging, dangerous, illegal (Oh yes you heard me correctly and I will say it again), ILLEGAL things.  This is Invisible Vulnerability at its best and I have had the corker of all corkers.  Find me a hill top because I really want to scream!!!

It's difficult to explain to most people about the invisible vulnerability of children on the spectrum, and in particular for those children on the higher end who outwardly look like ordinary children in ordinary houses on an ordinary street anywhere in the world!  I will try to explain about our 'Bob' and his latest all mighty 'this is the best one yet' stunt!!!

Two weeks ago  I got the most unpleasant surprise I have had for a while.  The sheer shock made me feel incredibly sick and for a split second lost the ability to make sound judgement or rationale.  The Postman usually arrives around 10.30am, we don't get a lot of mail because everything is usually fired off electronically these days so it's quite a novelty to get some.  The usual 'Occupier' 'Homeowner' mail on the doormat along with a letter from Tesco Banking.  Now normally I would throw something like this in the paper bin because it's usually junk.  Thank goodness I didn't!!!  There before me was a letter asking me for more information for my credit card application.  WHAT credit card application???? I'm a stay at home mum/carer, what the.... You can imagine it can't you I'm pacing the kitchen, reading this letter again just to make sure I've got it correctly.  I am so mad and the who, what, where, when is going through my head.  Instant reaction and I'm on the phone dialling the 0845 number, cursing that one too because it will cost me a fortune!  

Blooming annoying! I get through to a Customer Service Operator, take a deep breath and go through the story.  I'm put on hold, waiting to be put through to the Fraud Department.  No joy there, nobody is answering so I leave a message.  I'm told someone will get back to me the same day.  So I wait. Nothing. I try again before going for our 'Bob' but by this time I've had several cups of tea and thought about it.  I remember two weeks earlier having one of those dismissive conversations with 'Bob' about the Sainsburys credit card which gives you Nectar points.  'Bob' was doing a good job putting his case forward for Mr Autynary and myself to get one, which obviously we swiftly declined.  I didn't think any more of it, that was until that day.  

'BOB'! What had he done now? Wait till I get him in the car! I'm thinking all this on the drive to school, and for one shocking moment I can't remember how I drove a quarter of a mile down the road because I'm head chunnering.  Amongst a sea of mauve I see 'Bob' making his way to the car, now I  know I have to be careful because one slight whiff he's been rumbled I will not get any ownership from him at all.  So there I am diplomatically interrogating 'Bob'.

"Is there anything you need to tell me about Tesco Banking?"

"Noooo" "What you talking about?" a rather shifty answer and a rather puce looking teenager.

And with slight exaggeration

"I have spoken to the Fraud Department of Tesco Banking about an online application for a credit card which I have no idea about or who's applied in my name, do know anything about it?"

"Well it wasn't me!" quick sheepish answer!

"Well the thing is they have the computer IP address and if I haven't applied for one they are going to pursue the person who the address belongs too, so if I was you  I would tell me what you have been filling in on the Tesco's website because they are calling me back?"

So I then get an embellished story about how he thought he was registering on the Tesco's Direct website, and that he knows not to sign up for things in my name, etc, etc, blah, blah.  And quite frankly that's what it sounded like to me.  I knew he had done it so my mind was now shifted in trying to resolve the issue, and I had better check with a credit reference agency to double check that I'd not had my identity cloned or that the little tinker hadn't signed me for HP on a 737 aircraft!

You can imagine, can't you?  I ask him again if he has done anything I need to be aware of and the answer came back reassuringly "No!" So why then was I surprised to go through a similar situation on the following Monday morning with an OPENED Tesco Banking Savers Account in my name and in a separate envelope a 'Thank you for arranging a direct debit into your new Savers Account' letter.

By this time I'm furious!  Then I had to stop. The wave of emotion slowly makes its way up through my body and I find I am staring out of the window in tears.  I know deep down that a mist of Autism and a wave of ADHD have created a difficult situation, a dangerous situation, a vulnerable situation..... VULNERABLE.  I want to scream and scream and scream.  I have to phone up Tesco's Customer Service yet again with a story which sounds like I've made it up, tricky decisions to make about having my details be put on a credit fraud list so if it happens again I have a little red flag over my name.  Hoping that they don't want to prosecute for fraud, or any other law he's broken in the process.  OMG! I would have to tell Mr Autynary, well that would go down in history as the worse thing possible and it would be ALL my fault.  Never mind 'Stop the World!' I just want to disappear into the ether and I don't want to come out.  

I manage to compose myself when I pick 'Bob' up from school and I am quite frank with him.  By this point he really does know the games up and has to admit to everything.  I don't get an apology, lots of explanation as to how it happened and another reassurance it won't happen again!  Somehow I don't think this will be the case and with all the will in the world and lots of hoping, I don't think 'Bob' can make that promise either, which is so, so, so sad.  I don't think I can ever get complacent or allow myself the time off from pre-epting those predictable or unpredictable events which are yet to bestow their troubles on our doorstep! 

Nobody's Perfect!

I am thankful this morning for heavier traffic on the road home, it means I have to take the long way back from school. The radio is on but I don't hear a sound.  I'm concentrating on not crying because the guy in the slow moving lane next to me is staring intently at the car, not too sure whether he thinks he's going to get in a bit of car flirting before the office.  Not with this lady your not!  Today I am having my blip! STOP the world, I want to get off day!!

I don't have them that often but as a mother you rarely have time to think about stuff other than the here and now.  Certainly been given food for thought from my family this weekend, and I'm feeling the after effects. 

Yesterday should have been a very proud Mummy moment.  One delightful memory that is locked in time that you find you boast about when meeting up with people you haven't seen for an age.  I may well do that but certainly not with the same enthusiasm.  You see our 'Bob' was awarded a Subject Award for Science at his school's presentation last night.  In Year 9 'Bob' managed to jump from the lowest set to the top set in one year, now that's an achievement in anyones books but 'Bob', not only on the spectrum and ADHD, is Dyslexic.  He has come on leaps and bounds but it is always a contentious issue, and he has already identified this may stop him from living his dream of becoming a Pilot.  Autism kicks in, ADHD kicks in and the combination does not make for comfortable association.  

The school may well have had their arrangements working like a smooth oiled machine, but for 'Bob' he didn't know what to expect; There wasn't even time set aside to run through with him what he needed to do before the event, so he WOULD know what to expect.  I felt very let down and all I can say is that meeting on Thursday afternoon, well I've added something else to my list of discussion points.

And to top it off our 'Bob' also happened to have his appointment for his 2nd EEG that morning.  The anticipated demand of the day just gripped my Son all weekend, physically and mentally.  I had complaints of feeling unwell and headaches. The reluctance to engage in any external activity fed the anxiety so we just gave in and allowed 'Bob' to become engrossed in his fantasy life on the PC.  The slightest request would trigger an outburst, I have been elbowed, prodded and punched this weekend.  My Boy does not normally have angry physical outbursts like that.  It may be we never see this on a regular basis because of our meltdown management, or it could simply be our life generally does not herald multitudes of social engagements. It was unusual behaviour!

It's not just 'Bob'; I have an overly stressed and tearful final year student, desperately juggling student and work demands and a Hubby who is pacing the floor and becoming incredibly anxious because we have a plasterer in the house!  A situation very much out of his control.

At this point I am folding my arms around my head in a tight self head lock.  Oh there's no point in that, my blip in life will still be there.  I just need to claw my way out of this hole I've put myself into.

The lady in my life Mrs W, who covers my back, who picks me up and supports me when I can't hold myself up, the one who knows when to take me home after I've had one too many grape juices sent me this 

My Xmas Pressie

And the support from Twitterette's is fabulous!  I am going to put on my virtual armour; Might be a little bit clunky; And if you hear a clanky clank It might just be me following you down the tinned veg aisle in ASDA.  So for the next couple of days I will cover up, lick my wounds and remind myself I cannot create 'perfections' in my family's lives...... Who am I kidding I will keep doing that just next time I'm packing the tin suit!!!